Growing Up

I feel like we are at a crossroads. Connor really is in the last bit of his, what should I call it, young childhood phase. When we get out of the car somewhere, he still instantly grabs my hand. But, I realize that not so soon he will be too cool for that. He still wants me to comfort him when he is hurt or help him when he needs it. But he also is seeking his independence more and more. Of course, that doesn't apply to everything. Earlier this week he asked me why I made him do something and I told him my job is to teach him how to do things. He said that he knows how, but doesn't like to so would like me to instead. And, well, that's when I informed him that we all have to do things we don't enjoy in life…you know, things like clean up our rooms and the such.

It's a weird thing watching your child grow up. The closeness that I share with Connor right now won't always be there. And that saddens me. But I also know that as he grows, there could be a deepness to our relationship that isn't there now. It's just a hard thing for this mama to think of not feeling Connor right up against me in bed, to not hear him ask me to rub his belly to help him fall asleep. To know that very soon I will no longer be able to carry him around. Even though he is heavy, I still find it a privilege to carry him when he asks. To know that he will no longer want to cuddle with me on the couch or ask me to tell him stories. To know that one day my car will be silent and I can just listen to my music because there isn't a five year old in the backseat asking me about anything from the power cords to the person walking on the street. This phase of life is such a special one. Such a fleeting one. And I hope through all the teenage angst, through the moving out of house and finding himself, through getting married and having a new woman in his life, I hope that Connor can know, sense, realize how fiercely I love him.

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